so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
