There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
