I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
