Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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