I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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