I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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