My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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