Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
