when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
