ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
