Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
