We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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