high people should be assigned attendants
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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