Im at strip club and am horny
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
