I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
