Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
