I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
