I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You may now shotgun with the bride
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
