i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
