You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
