Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
