i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
