enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize