Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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