This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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