Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
