you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
