I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
