Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
