drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
