this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
