I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
