I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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