I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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