Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My vagina just clenched in fear
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize