if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
