I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I need a beard to bite.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
