I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
