I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
