He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Also, beer. Big fan.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
