you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
