One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
