He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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