if i can run in heels then i can drive
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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