Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I love you. Go after that dick
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
