I'm jealous of your bromance
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
