Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
