Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
