I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize