Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
