I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
