I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize