you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
