There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
