Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
