We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
