everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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