I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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